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I am Thirty One years old.
Yet, often inside I still feel like the frightened, scared, bumbling teenager that I was a decade or so ago.
I have suffered with issues to do with my self esteem for many years. During my life I have dealt with these issues in different ways.
Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Self Harm.
Some people may be surprised to read this. The biggest way I have dealt with it is with a Mask. I have always tried to come across as happy and confident. Desperate to be liked. I think this desperation stems from the fact I have never really felt that I liked myself. How many of you can relate? How many of you truly like yourselves?
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I have been thinking lately that I don’t do the things I did when I was younger. No Drugs,Sex and Rock and Roll so to speak (I am making myself younger self seem much cooler/messed up than I actually was). My feelings about myself are less angsty than they were.
I can confidently say I no longer hate myself. I think I am learning to like myself, but I am realising I want more. I deserve more. I want to LOVE myself. That my friends is a big ask and is very hard to say out loud.
I was thinking about what stops me from loving me? I have come to the conclusion it is something so simple, something that many, many people do.
I do not value myself.
I neglect myself.
It’s easy to do. Especially when you have children. Sometimes you almost feel like it is part of the package. You wear it like a badge of honour. “My children come first”, “I don’t have time for me” etc etc.
I have realised I neglect myself on a very basic level. Simple things like not brushing my teeth at night, not combing my hair for days on end, going days without a proper shower. These things all have impact on how I see and in turn value myself.
Also I limit myself in silly ways. Telling myself silly little lies, these lies just limit me. Telling me I am not THAT kind of person.
I am not the kind of person who wears perfume everyday. WHY NOT?
I am not the kind of person who is organised. WHY NOT?
I am not the kind of person who spends time on her appearance. WHY NOT?
“WHY NOT? WHY NOT? WHY NOT?”
I feel like inside I am screaming this?
“WHY NOT ME?”
I am realising I am only going to be this young ONCE. I don’t want to be 40,50,60 and still dealing with these issues. Wishing I had done more. That I had been more.
Last night I sat and thought about the person I want to be. The person I can be and I made a list of very simple things that I want to do daily/weekly. These are things that you probably already do, but after years and years of self neglect I am ashamed to admit I do not…. Sorry did not!
I am making a promise to myself, to do these things. To value myself and believe I deserve these things too. These are the very basic fundementals and I hope that they will impact on my life in significant ways.
• Brush teeth TWICE daily [Floss]
• Use a face wash
• Cleanse, tone and moisturise
• Grease hair and comb it
• Drink at least TWO glasses of H20
• Wear make up/ Cream face
• Walk around the block
• Meditate for 10 minutes
• Wear perfume
• Groom eyebrows
• Groom finger and toe nails
• Wash hair
• 20 mintue yoga session
• Write in a journal
I am going to have a new baby in a few weeks (still haven’t got my head around this). I would like to be doing these things before, so they are habit and if I miss one or two things it’s easy to pick up again.
I want to teach my boys to value themselves and I feel that valuing myself is a huge part of that. That will be another blog post, though.
Thank you for reading this post. It feels quite significant to post this. I would love to know about your journey of Self Love and Self Care. Are you just starting to learn its OK to value yourself? Have you been on this journey already? Do you have any tips to share?