For those of you that have read some of my previous blog posts such as Confessions of a people pleaser and The Fear You will know that I am an over thinker. I over analyse everything, especially if it means I can think something negative about myself.
I also like to think about what others may or may not think of me. I think in psychology this is called Projecting or something along those lines and basically means that I project what I feel and think about myself and convince myself it is what others are thinking about me too.
Anyway, today at various points throughout the day, I have stopped and thought what might people think of me right now? Specifically, what would they think of me as a mother. Here are my thoughts.
The Chaotic Mother
It’s 8:40am, so far I have both boys in the double pushchair, both screaming because I never bought Kinder eggs from the shop. Only Apple juices. Ok I am a good Mum for not buying Kinder eggs before 9am, but I can’t stop my kids from crying – bad mum.
At the bus stop the youngest spills his juice all over his legs and into the basket of the pushchair. I have no spare clothes for him (the bag is full to the brim of spare clothes and pants for the bigger boy who is in big boy pants for the first time away from nursery) and I have nothing to clear it up with, baby wipes aren’t really going to work. A kind lady hands me some tissues and I clean it up. We get into the bus and the youngest takes his shoes and socks off and throws them on the floor as I pick them up, he presses the bell to stop the bus as I get up and tell him to stop I knock the bag off the top of the pushchair. It’s chaos.
The Doting Mother
At the hospital we have some time to kill inbetween appointments, the youngest is asleep and this leaves some time for some one on one with the bigger one.
We go to the hospital cafe and share snacks, tickle each other and I pretend I understand his crazy conversations about Whales, Sharks and Lightning storms. I give him my undivided attention (apart from when I posted about it on Facebook and Instagram 🙈).
The Can’t Control Her Kids Mother
The second hospital appointment was in paediatric outpatients and I hate going here, EVERYTIME we go my kids turn into wild Banshees. I also always feel like the waiting room is filled either with parents who are there together doting over their child/children or its one parent with their one beautifully behaved child and then there is me.
I’m the Mum with the huge overflowing double pushchair. I am always alone and the children are always running rings around me whilst I try to manoeuvre them from the play room to the doctors room, alone.
Whilst trying to push the stupid pushchair and it’s always at this point the breaks always decide to jam. Obviously it’s as I walk past all the perfect parents and their fucking perfect children.
I generally have one child now being dragged across the floor as I sweetly ask the little shitbag to please, please walk nicely and the other is screaming
“I no like doctor”.
I do this all with a fake smile on my face and tears stinging the back of my eyes.
If that’s not bad enough when we get into the doctors room and it’s just us and them. Well that’s when the show really begins, And before anyone suggests it, I’ve tried bringing snacks, IPads and various toys (why do you think my pushchair is so bloody ladden down with stuff).
Now it’s time for the screaming, the kicking, the fighting over that 1 toy car that has 3 broken wheels. I try to control the kids and listen to the doctor and I can’t. By this point I am holding back the tears, pretty much like in a previous post Why Darwin’s Dermatologist made me cry
We have to lock the door to stop my youngest from constantly opening and closing it. He doesn’t want to escape, just bang it. We sound like a a bunch of wild animals. I take the toy car and say no one can play with it. The eldest goes apeshit, like I have never seen before he is standing in front of me shouting like I have never heard before
“I am Cross, I am Angy, Zachary is mad. I don’t like it. Give it back”
Part is me is thinking how well he is verbally expressing his emotions. Go so X but this is overrides by the fact he is jabbing his finger in my face. The youngest is being held tightly in my arms on my lap and he is screaming and trying to copy his big brother.
The Doctor intervenes, he takes Zachary and gives him a book sits him down and speaks calmly to him giving him instructions to look for pictures in a book and for a minute a whole minute there is silence. We quickly finish of the appointment and I apologise saying I hate bringing them here on my own. The Doctor tells me I am a good mum and I am doing a good job, that it is hard with one child with additional needs, but to have two showing traits, I’m allowed my bad days. I thank him.
Well then it’s the walk of shame past all the perfect parents and kids all who I know have listened to the carnage that has just ensued, the receptionist always makes a joke about them being a pair of noisy monkeys. I smile and nod, leave, get in the lift and finally breathe. This time though. I do not cry.
The Peaceful Parent
A change of scenery and some fresh air and 10 mins later. You wouldn’t recognise us by as the out of control family. We are sat at the top of a hill by some local sculptures of flowers, say on a bench. Eating bananas and oranges, drinking apple juice. Zachary is happily naming things he can see “tree” “leaf” “lady”. The older lady smiles at me, it’s a knowing smile.
I wonder what she is thinking of me. This mother sat feeding her children healthy snacks, no technology insight, laughing and really listening to her children. Simple pleasure, no money, no gadgets, no gizmo’s. I wonder if it makes her remember days with her own children, a simpler time? Does she even have children? She smiles at Zachary and waves. It was than I had the idea for this post. What would she have thought if she had seen me 20 minutes before? How would she have judged me differently?
It got me thinking about how easy it is to see parents (particularly mums) and to see snippets of their day and to judge them on it.
The other types of mum I have been today is the
The Above and Beyond Mother
Buying new trainers and shin pads and traipsing on buses to get them to my so he didn’t have to play after school football in his PE plimsolls. One of the male teachers from his school was there when I dropped them off and he said “I wish I had had a Mum like you, You didn’t have to do this you know, he would have been fine, but kudos on being so organised”. Wow, just wow.
The Overwhelmed Mother
When Zachary hadn’t slept all day and turned into an overwhelmed aka demon child. When he cried, screamed, shouted and kicked out. When we kept asking what he wanted but truly we dont think he knew what he wanted. So when after an hour of cuddles and reassurance, through tears he said he wanted to go to the shops. We went to the shop and he got one of his beloved kinder eggs.
Today Shouty Mother, Lazy Mother and Tired Mother all made an appearance. At the end of the day we are all only human. We can only do our best in each moment and when we have a bad moment all we can do is pick ourselves up and start again.
We may have these ideologies of what kind of parent/mother we want to be, but truly we are all like patchwork quilts made up of many different facets. Remember sometimes it’s the lows that make those extra special moments stand out that little bit more and add that little bit of sparkle. So keep doing what you do. Keep being you… And remember no matter what kind of the many types of mum you are today, you are a beautiful tapestry that all together just makes Mum and our small people often forget and don’t see the imperfections so maybe we should be a little more like them and focus on the whole amazing, beautiful, wonderful picture and if has been a particularly bad day, there is always tomorrow.
I would love to know what you think of this piece and also what types of mum are you,what makes you as a mum as a whole? What bit do you do you want to be less of and what bits do you want to rock out a little bit more???
I want to see Silly Mother play a bigger appearance for my kids.
Thanks for reading