The Fear

When I decided to start this blog, one of the things I wanted to achieve was to be as honest and open as possible. That means not everything I post is going to be all sunshine and roses because well sometimes life sucks. 

Do you ever wonder if you are normal? Do you ever wonder if other people feel their emotions so intensely and get so caught up in their own heads it’s hard to focus on what is happening right in front of them? If you do, then thank God, it means I am not alone. If you don’t then I guess you can only try and imagine how annoying it can be. It is so frustrating to be that self absorbed. To be spending so much time thinking about yourself, generally in a negative way. It’s really emotionally draining too. I have briefly danced with depression in the past (that’s a whole other post) and I wonder if this is some sort of remenant of that? I am generally very good at hiding how I feel and the unlogical turmoil I have going on inside. I think part of it is down to me being a people pleaser.

There are many things that I worry about, I generally do not feel that I am good enough for many things in life, but one thing that surpasses all of that is the FEAR that I am not enough for my boys. That they deserve so much more. I FEAR that I know how to talk the talk, but I fall short when it comes to walking the walk. I know my friends would say this is silly, but I am a comparator. I compare myself to every one and anyone. I always fall short. I know I am my own worst enemy. 

I have often found that I feel this at its strongest when I am alone at night, lying with one of my children. Whether it be feeding, soothing after a bad dream or just sneaking an extra cuddle before I go to sleep. I lay there and watch them and my mind goes into overdrive and it feels like their preciousness and my inadequacies are amplified ten fold. I have found that something that helps is to write my feelings down. In the form of a poem. So today I am going to share two poems that I have written in these types of moments. My poems never have titles (I don’t know why) and I just write what comes into my head, I never go back and re edit and try and make it better. It is what it is at that moment in time and I don’t want to change it or try and perfect it. 

Poem A

As I lay here feeding my baby
I know all will be fine
even though walls fall around me
our hearts, they stay entwined
for the bond with my children
is precious and strong

Each journey has been different
with their highs and their lows
my heart beats for each of them
how much, they do not know
my heart was caged, but now it is free
no longer consumed with misery

Sometimes the love is overwhelming
and it devours my soul
then the fear sets in
and it swallows me whole
Am I ready? Do I dare?
to be their constant… Who is always there

My throat tightens and my head spins
and I have to dig deep within
to keep on fighting
to keep trudging on
to be an inspiration
to my sons

© Cherie Lewis-Quinn       13/11/2013

Poem B
As I lay here and watch your eyes close
as you fall into a deep slumber
I worry
I worry that I am not enough
and deep down
in the pit of my stomach
I want to run
its fight or flight
thats what they say
and that is the only reason I stay
I have to
to be there for you
to teach you
to guide you through
this battle that they call life
its like balancing on the edge of a knife
trying so hard not to fall
trying to keep a balance of it all
don’t go too fast, you can’t go back
But keep going forward and you will see
the blade in a funny way
is really quite pretty
watch the lights twinkle
as it reflects your glow
allow yourself the time to grow
so as you slumber
I hope you dream
of all the things you want to make reality
I will do my best to change my heart
To keep the darkness from creeping in
I just need to keep reminding myself
I was made for you
what more could I want to do
I’m sorry I can’t be all you need
all things, to all three
but everyday I will start a fresh
Everyday I will do my best
to give you the love and life you deserve
so slumber away as I hold you still
and gaze upon your beautiful face
I will lie here until I sleep
and I know I will sleep in peace

© Cherie Lewis-Quinn     11/04/2015

I know these poems aren’t perfect. They are not meant to be. They express how intensely I can feel this at times. I hope that this reaches someone who might be feeling the same, so they know they are not alone.Ultimately  these poems talk about the fear, but also about how I am going to use it to motivate and inspire me. If you have made it this far, well done 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 

Thanks for reading

Cherrysnotmyname 🍒