A few days ago, something LIFE CHANGING happened. I got OLD!! Well not really, but I did turn • T H I R T Y •
I posted the picture of this quote on my Instagram account ‘mynamesnotcherry’ I said how this basically summed up my 20s. That horrible feeling of being STUCK. I’ve always been a people pleaser and I think it just makes you get stuck faster. In this life we have so many roles to play
• Mother •
• Daughter •
• Sister •
• Aunt •
• Daughter in Law •
• Wife •
• Best Friend •
• Friend •
• Colleague •
• Employee •
The list continues and never seems to stop. When you are a people pleaser you want to make everyone happy. This is fundamentally impossible, but your brain just bypasses that information and the bit that says “ummmm this is stupid, you’re gonna end up emotionally drained and probably unhappy and no one will be none the wiser” and instead says “maybe if I can be half the person they are I will feel like I am worth something, let’s please all the people, all the time. No Pressure”
note: this may not be how your brain works but it certainly how mine works.
Anyway, it got me thinking about how much time I spend trying to please others. I realise this needs to stop and this is a huge factor, in why I cannot say I am
truly happy. I am the person who can never decide what to eat, where to go or what to do. It infuriates my husband, sometimes to the point we won’t do things as he gets so cross that I can’t seem to make a bloody decision. I don’t know why I have this innate desire to please everyone else. Maybe it stems from my childhood? Or from my desire to always be the good guy? Or maybe because I think everyone else’s happiness is of a higher priority than mine? Don’t get me wrong I can a selfish cow (which is ironic as I am pretty much petrified of cows…go one laugh, but I assure you it is true and not a laughing matter, ok maybe it is!).
So after having this realisation I decided that I my 30s are not going to be dictated by this. I will no longer allow myself o be STUCK. I am going to spend time on ME, I am going to put myself first and do what I really want to do deep down. So Just over a week in I am learning, it is hard to change. People pleasing is easy, I know how to do that and I am relatively good at it. I made a sweeping statement on my Instagram page about how I was about to enter my cocoon and I would emerge free, no longer held captive by insecurities and deep rooted self loathing. I thought my cocoon was going to be a beautiful place. which would be filled with birdsongs, tropical rain, gentle ocean tides, flowers and it would be somewhere I could just relax and sleep and I would wake up with my wings ready to fly. I was wrong.
Learning to let go of what other people might think of me is hard, I guess its kind of become a blanket. It is funny really how I say I think I am not really important, yet think people are constantly looking at me and judging, as if they haven’t got enough
shit, stuff going on in their own lives. I will tell you one thing, its funny how the human brain works, evolution made us a tiny bit crazy. Anyway this beautiful cocoon isn’t beautiful, it is not soft and warm…its cold, wet and uncomfortable the perfect storming is happening right here. It is somewhere you have all your bones broken so that you can be re shaped, moulded into the person you want to be. these are ’emotional’ bones I speak of… I am learning to say ‘No’ such a small word, but it packs a powerful punch. I am having to think about what I really want to do, which I am not used to, I am having to think about thing as, basic things most people just know about themselves… Favourite types of music, clothes they like, Now, this is very hard to write and instantly my people pleasing senses are tingling…I am even learning to put my needs before my children’s… I feel deep down that this makes me some sort of barbaric, horrid and selfish mum, but at the same time I know I need to do this for them as much as for me. They deserve a mum who is happy, who has energy and who is enjoying life. Small sacrifices such as attending a friends birthday meal and missing bedtime, is OK. It is OK. I often miss bedtime due to work, but that’s a neccessity for us not a choice. I choose instead of thinking of all the people that would disagree with me (mainly me in my own head) and instead think about the positives, Some time out for me to me with my good friends, whom I haven’t seen without at least one child strapped to my hips in years. A content and rested Mama coming home, some time apart to miss each other and sneaking in hugs with the boys.
I have a lot of work to do, I have started keeping a journal to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and where I am in myself. I’ve been listening to classical music and music that is calming. I really want to try meditation and it is something I will be trying in the next week or so. I cannot imagine my mind being still, free from all the internal criticising, the questions, the worry, the stress and general craziness that goes on in there.
Things for me for 2015
• Train for and run a 5K
• Get a new job
• Learn to meditate
• Keep a journal
• Maintain this blog
2015 is going to be the year, I stop being a people pleaser and I become a me pleaser. Here’sto 2015 *clink clink*
Thanks for reading